I recently read an opinion, expressed on the internet, by someone proclaiming to be a marriage expert. They were clearly trying to make a case against marriage counselling. Instead, this person argued the marriage mediation they offered was far superior. These allegations are so serious, and I believe so inaccurate and misleading, I needed to set the record straight. First, marriage counselling, as practiced by appropriately trained and specialized counselors, has been very thoroughly researched and  has been found to have an approximately 70% success rate. This means that 3 out of every 4 couples who attend such counselling report improvements at the end of counselling. Unfortunately, because there are many people providing marriage counselling who are not appropriately trained, it isn't possible to say this high success rate will apply to everyone who provides couple counselling. Second, marriage counselling takes a very different perspective on both the goals and the process  from individual counselling. Couples counselling isn't focused just on the emotional health of the individual. The focus is on how the couple are functioning. But this can be a challenge when a couple presents with goals that seem incompatible. Sometimes one person wants to make the marriage work, but the other already has one foot out the door. In these situations its necessary to respect both parties and not simply jump on one side and argue against the other. Third, it was argued that counselling isn't a male friendly experience. Though this can be true, its also true that more effort has gone into making counselling something men can enter into more willingly, even to the extent that articles have been written specifically addressing this concern. I have noticed a change in how many men I now see in counselling compared to 20 years ago.  Fourth, the author of the article tried to argue that often people who do marriage counselling are generalists who may have training to work with concerns like anxiety, depression and addictions, but they aren't marriage experts. Even worse, the counselor may be divorced or possibly single and never married. The truth is that since marriage concerns often go hand in hand with other concerns like anxiety, depression and addictions, its a very clear advantage to be knowledgeable in a multitude of areas beyond just the processes of intimate relationships. And its also a huge advantage to have life experience that contributes to healthy ways to understand the issues you deal with as a counselor. This may mean counselors who have been successfully married for many years are better than counselors who have never married. Yet, research has not been done to show this is true. Fifth, the self proclaimed marriage expert questions why psychological counselling should have a monopoly on providing marriage help. This statement is simply not true. What is true is that virtually anyone can provide marriage counselling and charge clients a fee for their services. What non qualified counselors can't do is get hired by government agencies to provide counselling, and so far insurance companies have not been willing to pay for the services of non qualified counselors. This does not indicate a "monopoly".  Instead it indicates that governments and insurance companies aren't willing to take the risk of paying for the services of people who are not trained and do not belong to professional associations that govern their counselling practice. You, as the client, can take the risk with anyone you wish to see, but you can't expect the government or your insurance plan to take that risk. The author of the article ends by saying that many people feel that marriage counselling is ineffective yet it remains the prevailing approach to relationship troubles. What I have shown, is that research demonstrates marriage counselling is effective, and that is partly why it remains the prevailing treatment option to treat distressed marriages. While some people may "feel" let down or disappointed by the results they obtained when seeking marriage counselling, well documented research results show a very different picture. So the answer to the question,  appropriately trained and experienced marriage counselors are not home wreckers!                   

Canadian laws put a certain amount of responsibility on the buyers of goods and services to be aware and somewhat knowledgeable about the goods and services they are buying. Becoming knowledgeable often involves some shopping around and asking questions and comparing features and costs. When it comes to buying counselling services, I notice clients don't do much shopping around, and even when they do, they don't seem to know what to ask. Some clients assume counselling is regulated, like medicine for example, where services can't be offered by someone untrained. But in Alberta, counselling is not regulated. This means anyone could open a counselling office, and charge clients for their time. If you want a qualified counselor, then you are going to have to ask some questions. Besides asking general questions about specific training and experience, I think clients should ask about areas of specialty and what areas are beyond the capabilities of the counselor. I have found that people who are not properly trained tend to overstate their abilities and not be aware of their limitations. On the other hand, people who are well trained and experienced tend to be more comfortable acknowledging the areas where they are not proficient. If you speak with a counselor who can't identify areas that are beyond their abilities, thats a good sign they lack training, experience or both. You are the buyer, and its up to you to beware.           

While it is true that all counselling involves some advice giving, its also true that giving advice isn't always helpful. Sometimes clients want someone to tell them what to do. Maybe they don't trust their own judgement. Maybe they have made bad decisions before and they believe they will do so again. Having someone else make the decisions can seem safer.  But, there are some really good reasons not to get dependent on others to make important decisions for ones life.  First, no one else is going to have to live with the consequences of the decisions. If the advice is poor, you are the only one who will suffer. But more importantly, having someone else make the decisions is giving up the power and control.  Its like having someone drive your car and just hoping they will go where you want them to go. If you aren't a very good driver, having someone else drive is a very temporary solution. A better solution is to learn how to drive your own car. And that means practicing making your own decisions and learning, even from the mistakes. Being in charge of ones own life is a more mature and adult way of living.  Allowing others to be in charge is remaining more like a child.  So, do you want to remain like a child and expect others to tell you what to do, or do you want to take the risk and make your own decisions?  Even good advice isn't always good!     

Some men seem to hope they can find a relationship that requires no maintenance.  Much like having a battery in ones car that works until it dies, such "no maintenance" relationships just don't need any attention.  I believe the no maintenance relationship is a myth.  In my experience all relationships require some work.  Sometimes most of the work is done by the woman.  In these situations, the one doing most of the work may eventually become tired and resentful.  They may complain.  They may demand some increased effort on the part of their spouse.  They may even threaten to leave.  At that point a man may decide the effort just isn't worth it and they may move on to another person who appears to require no maintenance.  This is usually very unfortunate and short sighted.  Putting effort into something shows we value that thing more.  When we put effort into our relationships, we are more likely to also benefit as it causes us to learn and to grow.  Men who just walk away, often remain immature and irresponsible.  As time goes on they find it harder and harder to find anyone who wants to be with them, because they have become very selfish, self centered, and inconsiderate.  Doing relationship maintenance doesn't just make men better husbands, it makes them better men. 

Most people come to counselling because some part of their life is really hurting and they want the hurting to stop.  In many of these situations counselling will help and either the emotional pain goes away, or it is greatly reduced.  But in some cases, people come to counselling and, as their story unfolds, they realize things are even worse than they thought.  This discovery often leaves the person feeling worse after the session, than when they came in.  It may be tempting to think counselling made them feel worse.  What happened is counselling opened their eyes to some painful realities they had previously not seen.  And, as much as counsellors don't want to make people feel worse, sometimes its better to be facing the reality of a bad situation, than to continue  feeling fine because you just don't know whats really going on.  Sometimes counselling can be like surgery.  Before you can feel better, you will feel much worse.     

Have you ever wondered why some couples get along better than others?  If you watch Hollywood movies, you may think its just a matter of finding that one special person out there  that you will fall in love with and everything will turn out great.  But in real life, that seldom seems to happen.  So when it does  happen, we really should wonder how.  Fortunately, some research has been done in this area.  And the results aren't surprising.  There are probably three main reasons why some couples get along better.  First, some personalities and temperments are more compatible.  Some peoples ways of communicating, ways of resolving conflicts, and expectations for how relationships will work, are a good fit.  This means when a good fit happens there are less major differences needing to be worked out.  And that means more of the time together is positive.  Second, some people have better relationship skills.  When two people with good relationship skills get together its like two people who are really good dancers.  They seem to move effortlessly to the music.  They are coordinated in so many ways its almost beautiful to watch.  Third, some individuals begin their marriages with less emotional wounds and as a result are at a higher level of maturity.  Such couples come together with less "baggage".  This means there are less sensitive issues and less dysfunctional thinking and behaving that can get in the way.  It may be that easy relationships aren't so much what people have created, but what they were fortunate to be given.  So, for the rest of us, we will just need to work at it!     

It should come as no surprise that therapists are often confronted with couples in which one, or even both spouses, have had sexual affairs.  There is always a lot of pain involved.  Often, these couples doubt their relationship can be restored.  They worry that trust may never return.  They wonder if they can ever have loving feelings again.  Unfortunately, not all therapists know how to be helpful in these situations.  Some think cheating means the relationship is over.  Some push for quick forgiveness.  Neither of these options is necessary.  Good therapy can help couples address the problems that allowed distance to develop and assist couples to slowly work through the questions that need to be answered to make trust and loving feelings return.  Betrayal is heartbreaking.  But hearts can be mended.